Expectations vs. Reality

When we (Ty) decided we were moving to Mexico in an effort to live happier and simpler lives... a lot went through my mind, of course.  I felt every emotion imaginable, some good, some bad and some downright terrifying... But even though I was nervous to make such a drastic change and leave everything I know and love behind, it was still really fun to daydream about what our new exotic, daring, adventurous, fulfilling life would be like... 

You know that feeling when you live in a big, cold city and you have to wake up super early every morning and scramble to get ready, drive to work in dark, rainy traffic, work long hours...then drive home in the dark only to eat dinner and go to bed so you can do it all over the next day?  (I'm talking to all my Portland and Seattle workaholics!)  You rush around all week at work and home and out and about and you never feel like there are enough hours in a day...your mental to-do list never gets any shorter...and then the weekend finally arrives and you think, "I'm gonna be so productive this weekend and get so much accomplished!"  But really, you're just too tired and as soon as you walk in the door all you wanna do is chill with your pup on the couch and catch up on your Netflix queue.  

On Saturday morning, you think of the stuff you should be doing...laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, errands...but instead you keep saying, "Just one more episode."  And then it's suddenly 4:00pm and your biggest accomplishment for the day was brushing your teeth; and now you have to start getting ready for your friend's baby shower or birthday party or whatever you agreed to attend that weekend, and you think, "I'll just wake up really early tomorrow and do chores all day.  It's going to be great!"  But of course, that doesn't happen because you stayed out too late, you slept in too long and the only thing you felt like doing when you finally peeled yourself out of bed was sitting on the couch nursing a cup of coffee and telling your family to keep it down.  

Three o'clock on Sunday afternoon rolls around and you're still in your pajamas, but at this point you realize there's no reason to change outta them...it's like waiting until September to take your Christmas lights down....might as well keep them up at this point.  You waste the day couch surfing with your pup and your guy while pushing the laundry to the back of your mind.  You start bartering with yourself about how it can wait "one more day" or "I'll just go grocery shopping after work tomorrow."  You go to bed on Sunday night, already dreading waking up at 4:30am on Monday morning and kicking yourself for not accomplishing anything...wondering how in the hell the weekend went by so fast.  

Monday morning comes...you hit snooze on your alarm clock 3 times instead of just getting up when you're supposed to, which means you then have to move through the house like a tornado to get out the door on time.  But of course, there isn't any clean laundry so you're stuck wearing those pants that fit you weird, and there's no food in the fridge so you have to grab a protein bar and an old apple for lunch.  You leave the house in a flustered rush...and you start yet another week off in a stressful state of panic.  Heaven forbid your windshield needs scraping because you don't have one extra minute to spare.  And the cycle continues.  For years.  

When you have downtime at work, you like to scroll ahead in your calendar and see when the next Federal Holiday is and drool over the thought of a 3-day weekend...and think about how productive you're going to be then!  ("I'm going to start my Labor Day to-do list right now!")  And you like to fantasize about how amazing it would be to have an ENTIRE week off from work just so you can stay home and organize closets, paint over those scuff marks that annoy you every time you walk by, finally weed those overgrown flower beds, finish that book you started two months ago, deep clean your house and take a bunch of junk to Goodwill.  Sound familiar?  (If it doesn't, you're my hero and you rock at life and I envy you.  Either that or you're a man.) 

This was my pre-Mexico life.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my job, but I worked a LOT of hours and it required a ton of energy...both mentally and physically.  My time got divided by hundreds of people per week...none of which were me.  I was always daydreaming about having time to do selfish things....like squeeze in a workout...or get a haircut.  I was so tired of being tired.  So...when Ty injected the idea of "early retirement" into my brain, I could think of nothing except how productive and fulfilled I'd get to be!  No more pushing my hobbies to the side, no more letting to-do lists get too long, no more unfinished books... 

If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.  (Unless we're talking about cotton candy ice cream, because that stuff is the bomb.)  Here's my take on what I expected my new life to be like while in la-la land...and the harsh reality.  Enjoy.    

Expectations vs. Reality:

Please note:  All of my "expectations" should be read in the voice of a bubbly, optimistic, valley girl because thinking back, that must have been how silly and naive I sounded.  Plus, it'll be more entertaining for me if I imagine you all reading it that way.  Also, I'm going to rate my expectations vs. reality on a scale of "Victory" to "Epic Fail."

Working out:

• Expectation:  "I finally get to workout all the time!  I can take all of the classes I want and join all of the gyms I want and workout under the palm trees or on the beach and I'm going to bring all of my fitness equipment on our drive down and I'm going to be in the BEST shape of my life!"
• Reality:  Aside from bringing all of my equipment with me, absolutely none of that happened.  In fact, I'm in the WORST shape of my life.  By far.  It's horribly depressing.  Turns out that moving to Mexico in the summer when the sun is sweltering by 8:00am and it's a billion percent humidity and you're being attacked by mosquitoes...working out ain't so fun anymore.  I tried several times to get back in the swing of things, only to last a few days before flaking out again.  This is the longest period of time in the last 15 years that I haven't been doing something physical (soccer, track, Krav Maga, roller derby, running, kickboxing, bootcamp, tabata, weightlifting...) several times per week.  I feel like a sack of mashed potatoes.  And to add insult to injury, Ty has lost 20 pounds since we got here and looks smokin hot without having lifted a finger...unless it was to drink a beer, of course.  Boys are annoying.  (Epic Fail.) 

Sticking to a budget:

• Expectation:  "I'm going to make a detailed spreadsheet and I'm going to be so good about tracking our expenses so we can see how much we need to live on and then we can project our blah, blah, blah..." 
• Reality:  I lasted like 3 weeks back in June and then I stopped caring and told Ty to tell me when we run out of pesos.  (Lazy fail.) 

Homemade dog food:

• Expectation:  "I'm totally gonna be one of those awesome dog moms who makes healthy, organic homemade dog food with recipes from Pinterest.  I'm gonna feed Bloo beef and brown rice and vegetables because I'll have the time to and food is so cheap there!"
• Reality:  We still buy the 50-lb bag of Purina at Costco.  Who was I kidding?  Feeding Bloo is like feeding a horse.  (Bad mom fail.  But I'm over it.) 

Read more:

• Expectation:  "Since my calendar isn't gonna be so jam-packed after we move... I'll finally have time to read those 870 books I've been wanting to read for the last decade!  I'm gonna read two books a week!  Phone down, books up!"
• Reality:  I've read two and half books in 8 months.  But I've played 131 games of Words with Friends on my phone.  (Nerdy fail.) 

Golden goddess:

• Expectation:  "I'm gonna be one of those fit, exotic, golden brown, perfectly put together women who dresses all bohemian, and never forgets to tweeze their eyebrows or lets their pedicure get raggedy or goes to the grocery store without makeup because I'm going to have so much time to take such good care of myself and I'm gonna take my vitamins everyday and actually use anti-wrinkle cream instead of just buying it......."  This list went on for a while, but I'll spare you the rest.  
• Reality:  I'm a sweaty, frizzy, makeup-less mess like 86% of the time.  And I don't even care.  (Tomboy fail.  You can't take the lazy out of a girl just because you move her to a foreign country, turns out!)

Guitar:

• Expectation:  "I'm going to reteach myself how to play the guitar again!"
• Reality:  Ty bought me a handmade Mexican guitar for my birthday last July...and the only action it gets is when the maid is dusting.  (Uninspired fail.) 

Painting:

• Expectation:  "I'm finally gonna have time to take up painting and drawing again.  Maybe I'll sell my paintings at the La Cruz Market!"
• Reality:  This one just makes me laugh... A) I didn't even keep any of my paintbrushes or art stuff when we moved, and B) I would never, ever be the type of person who has a booth at a market because I don't actually like interacting with most humans.  (Anti-social fail.)

Get over my stage freight:

• Expectation:  "Maybe I'll use this opportunity of moving to a place where no one knows me to finally get over my fear of singing in public!  I could sing at an open mic night!"
• Reality:  I still only belt it out for Ty and no one else in the privacy of our home or car.  That'll probably never change. (Who was I kidding fail.)   

Learn Spanish:

• Expectation:  "I'm gonna study Spanish for like 3 hours a day and take classes and practice all of the time." 
• Reality:  I'm calling this one my first victory!!!  When something calls for being a giant nerd...I'm your girl.  I study for fun, I make flashcards, I write things over and over again like I'm in detention, I beg Ty to quiz me constantly and we've been taking classes twice per week since November.  I'm far from fluent, but I get by...and I know I'm only going to get better and better. (Nerdy victory!)

Learn to surf...or something cool!

• Expectation:  "I'm like totally gonna learn how to surf because that's what you're supposed to do when you move to Mexico."
• Reality:  Ty and I kayaked like 10 minutes out to our friend's sailboat that was parked in front of our place the other day... Does that count for anything?  (Unadventurous fail.) 

Christmas:

• Expectation:  "Oh my gosh, babe!  We're gonna hafta get a cute, little palm tree instead of a pine tree and decorate it up for Christmas!  And we'll start our own little Mexican Christmas traditions!"
• Reality:  We skipped Christmas.  Our stockings hung empty.  There was no tree.  There was no egg nog.  I don't even think we said "Merry Christmas" to each other.  We were busy working because we had 9 guests staying at Jardin over Christmas weekend and 4 more arriving the day after...and 4 more arriving for New Year's.  I spent Christmas eve deep-cleaning and doing laundry because we insisted that the maid spend the day with her family and not come to work.  My mother-in-law sent me a photo from the Christmas dinner we missed, and I burst into tears.  Ty and I talked about having our own little Christmas after all of our guests left, but by then we didn't see the point.  (Homesick fail.) 

GoPro:

• Expectation:  (As said by Ty) "We should totally get a GoPro and film all of the cool stuff we do down in Mexico!"
• Reality:  Turns out I got a GoPro as a going away present before we left and Ty has used it exactly three times in 8 months... Zip-lining while my family was in town, once at the hot springs and once...let's call it "body surfing."  Which was really just him strapping it to his chest and walking into the waves.  If we were to film 'all the cool stuff we do'...it would mostly be of us sitting in front of a fan.  (I don't even think he even so much as looked at any of the footage, so I'm calling this one a half-ass fail.)

Blogging:

• Expectation:  "I'm gonna start a blog and document all of our adventures and how to move abroad and what it's like living as an expat and other exciting stuff!"
• Reality:  Alright, I'm calling this one victory number 2...despite the fact that this is about the least most helpful "expat blog" I've come across, but at least I've been consistent about writing it!  You're welcome.

Daaaang!  If you made it to the end, you are a true glutton for punishment...or you are very bored.  

So, I guess what it boils down to...is that even though I have more time now than I did before, I still don't do any of these things!  That must mean I don't really wanna do them...?  Apparently moving to paradise doesn't change who you are...  So, I guess I'm stuck being a sarcastic tomboy who doesn't play the guitar or paint, who still doesn't care about pedicures, who is never gonna sing in public...and who spends all of her free time studying Spanish and writing pointless blog posts.  And I'm okay with that!!  

In other news.... Ty's parents come to visit us in TEN DAYS!!!!!  When you live 2,600 miles away from all of your family and friends...it's like the most exciting thing ever when they come to visit.  Hint, hint.  

NOPE

I've vacationed on the Banderas Bay 4 out of my last 5 vacations since 2011, and I've never really noticed any bugs or creepy crawlers worth mentioning...aside from mosquitoes, geckos and ants of all sizes, my vacations here have been pretty uneventful in that department.  So, when we decided to move to Mexico, I didn't think much about the types of insects we'd encounter.  

HOWEVER.  Since arriving here a few weeks ago, it's become apparent that critter activity is a liiiitle bit different when the seasons are about to change.  In the Puerto Vallarta area, the rainy season starts around June or July and lasts until about September.  It's hotter, muggier, muddier, tourism dies down, restaurants close up and all of the 6 and 8-legged demons wanna come hide from the rain by setting up camp in your casa and disgusting the hell outta you.  And then there's me........"Um, NOPE."  

For those of you who are tired of seeing and/or reading my braggy posts about how sunny and beautiful and magical and vibrant Mexico is...please enjoy:

The first "eeeewww" experience was a small, dead cockroach on its back.  No big deal.  I made a sour face, grabbed a broom and swept him right out the door.  A few days later I saw another dead cockroach on its back while I was sweeping up after our sandy pup, so I just swept him into my pile...I went to get the dust pan and when I came back he was GONE.  Um, nope.  I caught that little faker trying to scurry away, and then my broom suddenly turned into a hockey stick and I sent him flying into a concrete wall before crushing him and letting out a girly squeal.  (They're crunchy, in case you were wondering.)

And then our little encounters with Mother Nature started to become a daily thing... We were watching a movie one evening in our living room with the screen doors closed (so, how the hell did he get in?) and a big, old beetle-looking bug (I assume cockroach but I didn't exactly wanna look at the thing too closely) made a beeline across the floor towards where I was sitting on the couch.  Of course, I put my feet up and yelled "NOPE!" and let Ty take care of the dirty work.

The following night we were on the couch again and Ty spotted a little roach this time scurrying across the floor and he squished it with his bare foot.  (Boys are gross.)  And then....he couldn't find it.  Realizing it was probably stuck to his foot, he started to do his infamous Irish jig dance moves flailing around the room yelling, "Ahhh!  Where is it?  Where is it?!"  He found the dead bug between his freakishly long toes.  Nope. 

The incident that happened next is the worst one, and I have yet to say it out loud because I'd like to pretend that it never happened.  I woke up one morning and Ty said, "You're being surprisingly calm about what happened last night.  I thought for sure you'd be freaking out about it today."  Ty loves to tease me incessantly and get me to fall for his dumb jokes and pranks so I said, "Shut up.  I'm not falling for it."  And then when I realized he was being serious, I said, "Don't tell me.  I don't wanna know."  But of course, he couldn't help himself. 

Apparently, while we were in bed the night before, he said he felt something crawling up his leg (NOPE.) and he did that shake-your-limb-as-violently-as-possible-thing that any normal person would do.  And he sent whatever was crawling on him flying, not knowing where it went.  It was dark, so he got up and turned on the light....just in time to see a 2-inch cockroach CRAWL UNDER MY PILLOW.  My pillow.  While I was sleeping.  Noooooope.  He quickly got me up and got it out, but I musta still been asleep because I didn't remember it at all the next morning.  When he told me, I said, "Welp.  I guess I'm never sleeping again."  

Amazingly, it gets worse.  The same day I found out about the cockroach under my pillow...this guy came to visit. 

I was walking through the living room and saw him running across the tile floor outta my peripheral vision and I honestly thought it was a mouse or lizard or something, because it was so big and fast.  He easily woulda spanned my whole palm.  (Look at your palm right now. LOOK AT IT.)  Sorry the picture is blurry... I was trying to keep my pup away from it while also calling Ty to save us from imminent danger.  Because, duh.  

And then I made a mistake.  I went down the rabbit hole.  I started Googling common (big ass) spiders in our area, I read terrifying articles like this one, I got on some of the PV expat Facebook groups we belong to and scoured the photos for crap like this.  Dumb girl.

A woman in PV found this beast in her bathroom and wanted to know what it was...and all 94 of those comments are other locals saying, "Yup, we get those sometimes."  Or...."I turned on the light the other day to find of one these guys munching on a cockroach."   NOPE!!!

That night it took me HOURS to fall asleep, even though I had thoroughly checked all the bedding and pillows for anything with a heartbeat (do bugs have hearts?)  As I tried to fall asleep, I thought every little movement or breeze or hair on my face was some up-to-no-good beetle bug or 8-legged demon, of course.  I definitely didn't sleep half-naked and uncovered like I had been.  I bundled myself up in the sheet and called it a bug burrito.  NOTHING was gonna crawl on ME.  

Thankfully, it was an uneventful night (that I know of) and I woke up the next day on a mission.  Marianne fumigates the houses before busy season and mentioned that she also treats the perimeter of the houses with Orson Home Defense spray, so I sent Ty to WalMart with instructions not to come home until he finds this magical, force-field death spray, while I sat at home and read about one million reviews on Amazon about it to assure myself that it was gonna work.  I also walked around the house like a friggen member of SWAT or Special Ops...opening cabinets, turning over cups, reaching into my purse or drawers like I might need to combat a vicious creature at a moment's notice. What a dork.  

So, far so good...the spray seems to be working.  The only cockroaches we've seen in the house in the past week or so were dead, which is exactly how I like them.  And things on the critter front have gone back to uneventful.  Well...unless you count the giant possum that wandered onto our patio a few nights ago.  But, no biggie. 

Welp.  I better quit typing about all the things that go bump in the night, because I started this blog post last night and ended up having crazy dreams about 8-headed cockroaches and iguanas munching on scorpions.  Oh, scorpions!  I forgot about scorpions!  We were officially warned to be on the lookout for scorpions at the start and end of rainy season, so we have that to look forward to.  Our maid's son was just stung last week by one at school and had to go to urgent care (he's totally fine, thankfully) so it's a very real threat here.  Awesome.  

Lastly, I found this guy (dead) today...and I've decided to call him the Gladiator Bee.  Not really looking forward to him flying through our house at 20 mph, but I'm sure it'll happen. 

Alright.  I hope you've enjoyed today's installment of NOPE.  Buenas noches!