HOWEVER. Since arriving here a few weeks ago, it's become apparent that critter activity is a liiiitle bit different when the seasons are about to change. In the Puerto Vallarta area, the rainy season starts around June or July and lasts until about September. It's hotter, muggier, muddier, tourism dies down, restaurants close up and all of the 6 and 8-legged demons wanna come hide from the rain by setting up camp in your casa and disgusting the hell outta you. And then there's me........"Um, NOPE."
For those of you who are tired of seeing and/or reading my braggy posts about how sunny and beautiful and magical and vibrant Mexico is...please enjoy:
The first "eeeewww" experience was a small, dead cockroach on its back. No big deal. I made a sour face, grabbed a broom and swept him right out the door. A few days later I saw another dead cockroach on its back while I was sweeping up after our sandy pup, so I just swept him into my pile...I went to get the dust pan and when I came back he was GONE. Um, nope. I caught that little faker trying to scurry away, and then my broom suddenly turned into a hockey stick and I sent him flying into a concrete wall before crushing him and letting out a girly squeal. (They're crunchy, in case you were wondering.)
And then our little encounters with Mother Nature started to become a daily thing... We were watching a movie one evening in our living room with the screen doors closed (so, how the hell did he get in?) and a big, old beetle-looking bug (I assume cockroach but I didn't exactly wanna look at the thing too closely) made a beeline across the floor towards where I was sitting on the couch. Of course, I put my feet up and yelled "NOPE!" and let Ty take care of the dirty work.
The following night we were on the couch again and Ty spotted a little roach this time scurrying across the floor and he squished it with his bare foot. (Boys are gross.) And then....he couldn't find it. Realizing it was probably stuck to his foot, he started to do his infamous Irish jig dance moves flailing around the room yelling, "Ahhh! Where is it? Where is it?!" He found the dead bug between his freakishly long toes. Nope.
The incident that happened next is the worst one, and I have yet to say it out loud because I'd like to pretend that it never happened. I woke up one morning and Ty said, "You're being surprisingly calm about what happened last night. I thought for sure you'd be freaking out about it today." Ty loves to tease me incessantly and get me to fall for his dumb jokes and pranks so I said, "Shut up. I'm not falling for it." And then when I realized he was being serious, I said, "Don't tell me. I don't wanna know." But of course, he couldn't help himself.
Apparently, while we were in bed the night before, he said he felt something crawling up his leg (NOPE.) and he did that shake-your-limb-as-violently-as-possible-thing that any normal person would do. And he sent whatever was crawling on him flying, not knowing where it went. It was dark, so he got up and turned on the light....just in time to see a 2-inch cockroach CRAWL UNDER MY PILLOW. My pillow. While I was sleeping. Noooooope. He quickly got me up and got it out, but I musta still been asleep because I didn't remember it at all the next morning. When he told me, I said, "Welp. I guess I'm never sleeping again."
Amazingly, it gets worse. The same day I found out about the cockroach under my pillow...this guy came to visit.
I was walking through the living room and saw him running across the tile floor outta my peripheral vision and I honestly thought it was a mouse or lizard or something, because it was so big and fast. He easily woulda spanned my whole palm. (Look at your palm right now. LOOK AT IT.) Sorry the picture is blurry... I was trying to keep my pup away from it while also calling Ty to save us from imminent danger. Because, duh.
And then I made a mistake. I went down the rabbit hole. I started Googling common (big ass) spiders in our area, I read terrifying articles like this one, I got on some of the PV expat Facebook groups we belong to and scoured the photos for crap like this. Dumb girl.
A woman in PV found this beast in her bathroom and wanted to know what it was...and all 94 of those comments are other locals saying, "Yup, we get those sometimes." Or...."I turned on the light the other day to find of one these guys munching on a cockroach." NOPE!!!
That night it took me HOURS to fall asleep, even though I had thoroughly checked all the bedding and pillows for anything with a heartbeat (do bugs have hearts?) As I tried to fall asleep, I thought every little movement or breeze or hair on my face was some up-to-no-good beetle bug or 8-legged demon, of course. I definitely didn't sleep half-naked and uncovered like I had been. I bundled myself up in the sheet and called it a bug burrito. NOTHING was gonna crawl on ME.
Thankfully, it was an uneventful night (that I know of) and I woke up the next day on a mission. Marianne fumigates the houses before busy season and mentioned that she also treats the perimeter of the houses with Orson Home Defense spray, so I sent Ty to WalMart with instructions not to come home until he finds this magical, force-field death spray, while I sat at home and read about one million reviews on Amazon about it to assure myself that it was gonna work. I also walked around the house like a friggen member of SWAT or Special Ops...opening cabinets, turning over cups, reaching into my purse or drawers like I might need to combat a vicious creature at a moment's notice. What a dork.
So, far so good...the spray seems to be working. The only cockroaches we've seen in the house in the past week or so were dead, which is exactly how I like them. And things on the critter front have gone back to uneventful. Well...unless you count the giant possum that wandered onto our patio a few nights ago. But, no biggie.
Welp. I better quit typing about all the things that go bump in the night, because I started this blog post last night and ended up having crazy dreams about 8-headed cockroaches and iguanas munching on scorpions. Oh, scorpions! I forgot about scorpions! We were officially warned to be on the lookout for scorpions at the start and end of rainy season, so we have that to look forward to. Our maid's son was just stung last week by one at school and had to go to urgent care (he's totally fine, thankfully) so it's a very real threat here. Awesome.
Lastly, I found this guy (dead) today...and I've decided to call him the Gladiator Bee. Not really looking forward to him flying through our house at 20 mph, but I'm sure it'll happen.
Alright. I hope you've enjoyed today's installment of NOPE. Buenas noches!
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