Things Ty Hasn't Done Yet

So far, it's just been me babbling on our little Mexico blog (obviously, because it's hilarious and sarcastic and overly-dramatic and directionless.)  But a couple days ago, I asked Ty if he would consider contributing a post to our blog...so all of our followers (our moms) could read about our adventure from his point of view. 

While we were working on one of the casitas this morning (yes, we actually do some work around here...a post on that later) he said he was thinking about writing a post about "the things he hasn't done yet."  Perfecto!  A list of bullet points will fit in perfectly with my other pointless lists of bullet points!  

Obviously, as Editor In Chief of this nonsense blog, I had to edit his submission and add my super helpful two cents (in red.)  Please enjoy Ty's semi-accurate account of his new Mexican life so far: 

30 Things I Haven't Done Since Arriving in Mexico


I haven't.....

1. Stopped sweating (TRUE.) 

2. Put on underwear, socks, shoes, pants, or sleeves...and only sometimes shirts. (I'm sure our maid appreciates the lack of sweaty boy laundry.) 

3. Cut my hair 

4. Stressed out about anything  (Except the WiFi after/during a thunderstorm...the man needs his WiFi!!)

5. Taken a hot shower  (Strangely, I've been taking hot showers like I'm still living in Seattle in the winter.) 

6. Put Bloo on a leash

7. Snuggled with Bloo....or Alissa.  (Like, zero.  We are officially a no-contact household.  Have you ever tried to hug a dolphin?  It's like that.  A big, sweaty, Swedish dolphin.)

8. Regretted the move or been homesick  (I think this requires actually having a heart and/or feelings or caring about anything at all?  But, I'm not sure...since I'm also a robot.) 

9. Set an alarm

10. Turned on the air conditioner

11. Been sarcastic or made fun of Alissa

12. Gone a day without avocado or lime (Aguacate is his new favorite word.)

13. Made much headway on learning Spanish (or like, even tried at all and shoos me away whenever I break out the flashcards.) 

14. Been annoying or rude or cranky

15. Slept through the night without a fan directly on me.  

16. Met a bug I can't catch and squish  (I can't even.  Is it November yet?) 

17. Had to take Alissa to urgent care (Give it time, folks.  I'm using tools and climbing ladders and breaking up dog and iguana fights.  So, duh.)

18. Found my six-pack abs  (Ummm.... No comment?)

19. PLAYED GOLF????  (Couldn't possibly be because his wife wants him to be productive and helpful around the property rather than disappear for a whole day, so definitely not my fault.) 

20. Complained about not playing golf

21. Watched a golf tournament?????  (Oh no!  What a horrible shame!!  *Please note zero sarcasm because watching golf on TV is sooooo much fun and not boring at all.*)
22. He hasn't remembered how to count, apparently, because I just had to go back and add in #22. 

23. Used tabasco  (You can't even buy it in grocery stores here!  Whaaaaa?)

24. Complained about the heat once  (Right.  Not "once"...  JUST EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY AND NIGHT.)

25. Gone to bed before 10:00  (Super weird for Ty, the 39 year-old toddler.)

26. Gotten out of bed before 8:00 (Super weird for me, the 30 year-old senior citizen.) 

27. Gone a day without fresh squeezed juice  (Thanks again, Drew!) 

28. Worried about driving like a Mexican (This is another "nope" for me.) 

29. Been tracking sand in the house or in the bed or on the couch and everywhere else. 

30. Made any friends (What about the 8 year-old boy who runs the beer store around the corner?) 

Oh, great.  While editing this post, Ty found a way to watch his never-ending, year-round, super-interesting and exciting golf tournaments online!  Yippee!!!  

Reverse Sticker Shock

Over the past month, it's been fun to compare prices of everyday items and groceries to what we're used to paying back in Seattle... We went grocery shopping at Mega today, which is about a 15-minute drive from little La Cruz.  It's about the equivalent of Fred Meyer...in addition to food, they sell clothes, toiletries, TVs, household items, school supplies,   

Our fridge was nearly empty, so we ended up filling a whole cart.  Well, Ty filled it...I dinked around and kinda lagged behind and tried not to whine too much.  (I hate shopping and crowds and get bored really easy...and Mr. Chef loooooves to browse, much to my dismay.)

While we were checking out, I happened to look up at the screen and saw that the four large mangos I picked out came to 15.79 MX, which is less than one dollar...which is crazy awesome because my favorite fruit was super expensive back home and I rarely bought them.  That's when I had the thought, "I should post our entire receipt from today."  

So, as soon as we got home I translated our receipt into English, which ended up being a pretty entertaining way to learn a few more Spanish words.  (Did you know the Spanish word for peanut is cacahuate?  Now you do.)  

Click RIGHT HERE to be taken to a Google doc of today's purchases.  I listed the prices in pesos and US dollars.  Amazingly, we spent less than 60 bucks today on what would have probably cost about double back home.  

Fun fact:  We have to soak all of our fruits and vegetables in iodine water when we get home to get rid of any bacteria so we don't get sick.  And then Ty and I play a fun game where I sit on the floor in front of the open fridge and he stands at the sink and tosses citrus fruits at my head.  Today I practiced my one-handed catch with the oranges and pretended I was Doug Baldwin.  Man, we need to find some hobbies. 

Okay... I'm off to see what delicious thing Ty plans on feeding me tonight for dinner.  Adios! 

NOPE

I've vacationed on the Banderas Bay 4 out of my last 5 vacations since 2011, and I've never really noticed any bugs or creepy crawlers worth mentioning...aside from mosquitoes, geckos and ants of all sizes, my vacations here have been pretty uneventful in that department.  So, when we decided to move to Mexico, I didn't think much about the types of insects we'd encounter.  

HOWEVER.  Since arriving here a few weeks ago, it's become apparent that critter activity is a liiiitle bit different when the seasons are about to change.  In the Puerto Vallarta area, the rainy season starts around June or July and lasts until about September.  It's hotter, muggier, muddier, tourism dies down, restaurants close up and all of the 6 and 8-legged demons wanna come hide from the rain by setting up camp in your casa and disgusting the hell outta you.  And then there's me........"Um, NOPE."  

For those of you who are tired of seeing and/or reading my braggy posts about how sunny and beautiful and magical and vibrant Mexico is...please enjoy:

The first "eeeewww" experience was a small, dead cockroach on its back.  No big deal.  I made a sour face, grabbed a broom and swept him right out the door.  A few days later I saw another dead cockroach on its back while I was sweeping up after our sandy pup, so I just swept him into my pile...I went to get the dust pan and when I came back he was GONE.  Um, nope.  I caught that little faker trying to scurry away, and then my broom suddenly turned into a hockey stick and I sent him flying into a concrete wall before crushing him and letting out a girly squeal.  (They're crunchy, in case you were wondering.)

And then our little encounters with Mother Nature started to become a daily thing... We were watching a movie one evening in our living room with the screen doors closed (so, how the hell did he get in?) and a big, old beetle-looking bug (I assume cockroach but I didn't exactly wanna look at the thing too closely) made a beeline across the floor towards where I was sitting on the couch.  Of course, I put my feet up and yelled "NOPE!" and let Ty take care of the dirty work.

The following night we were on the couch again and Ty spotted a little roach this time scurrying across the floor and he squished it with his bare foot.  (Boys are gross.)  And then....he couldn't find it.  Realizing it was probably stuck to his foot, he started to do his infamous Irish jig dance moves flailing around the room yelling, "Ahhh!  Where is it?  Where is it?!"  He found the dead bug between his freakishly long toes.  Nope. 

The incident that happened next is the worst one, and I have yet to say it out loud because I'd like to pretend that it never happened.  I woke up one morning and Ty said, "You're being surprisingly calm about what happened last night.  I thought for sure you'd be freaking out about it today."  Ty loves to tease me incessantly and get me to fall for his dumb jokes and pranks so I said, "Shut up.  I'm not falling for it."  And then when I realized he was being serious, I said, "Don't tell me.  I don't wanna know."  But of course, he couldn't help himself. 

Apparently, while we were in bed the night before, he said he felt something crawling up his leg (NOPE.) and he did that shake-your-limb-as-violently-as-possible-thing that any normal person would do.  And he sent whatever was crawling on him flying, not knowing where it went.  It was dark, so he got up and turned on the light....just in time to see a 2-inch cockroach CRAWL UNDER MY PILLOW.  My pillow.  While I was sleeping.  Noooooope.  He quickly got me up and got it out, but I musta still been asleep because I didn't remember it at all the next morning.  When he told me, I said, "Welp.  I guess I'm never sleeping again."  

Amazingly, it gets worse.  The same day I found out about the cockroach under my pillow...this guy came to visit. 

I was walking through the living room and saw him running across the tile floor outta my peripheral vision and I honestly thought it was a mouse or lizard or something, because it was so big and fast.  He easily woulda spanned my whole palm.  (Look at your palm right now. LOOK AT IT.)  Sorry the picture is blurry... I was trying to keep my pup away from it while also calling Ty to save us from imminent danger.  Because, duh.  

And then I made a mistake.  I went down the rabbit hole.  I started Googling common (big ass) spiders in our area, I read terrifying articles like this one, I got on some of the PV expat Facebook groups we belong to and scoured the photos for crap like this.  Dumb girl.

A woman in PV found this beast in her bathroom and wanted to know what it was...and all 94 of those comments are other locals saying, "Yup, we get those sometimes."  Or...."I turned on the light the other day to find of one these guys munching on a cockroach."   NOPE!!!

That night it took me HOURS to fall asleep, even though I had thoroughly checked all the bedding and pillows for anything with a heartbeat (do bugs have hearts?)  As I tried to fall asleep, I thought every little movement or breeze or hair on my face was some up-to-no-good beetle bug or 8-legged demon, of course.  I definitely didn't sleep half-naked and uncovered like I had been.  I bundled myself up in the sheet and called it a bug burrito.  NOTHING was gonna crawl on ME.  

Thankfully, it was an uneventful night (that I know of) and I woke up the next day on a mission.  Marianne fumigates the houses before busy season and mentioned that she also treats the perimeter of the houses with Orson Home Defense spray, so I sent Ty to WalMart with instructions not to come home until he finds this magical, force-field death spray, while I sat at home and read about one million reviews on Amazon about it to assure myself that it was gonna work.  I also walked around the house like a friggen member of SWAT or Special Ops...opening cabinets, turning over cups, reaching into my purse or drawers like I might need to combat a vicious creature at a moment's notice. What a dork.  

So, far so good...the spray seems to be working.  The only cockroaches we've seen in the house in the past week or so were dead, which is exactly how I like them.  And things on the critter front have gone back to uneventful.  Well...unless you count the giant possum that wandered onto our patio a few nights ago.  But, no biggie. 

Welp.  I better quit typing about all the things that go bump in the night, because I started this blog post last night and ended up having crazy dreams about 8-headed cockroaches and iguanas munching on scorpions.  Oh, scorpions!  I forgot about scorpions!  We were officially warned to be on the lookout for scorpions at the start and end of rainy season, so we have that to look forward to.  Our maid's son was just stung last week by one at school and had to go to urgent care (he's totally fine, thankfully) so it's a very real threat here.  Awesome.  

Lastly, I found this guy (dead) today...and I've decided to call him the Gladiator Bee.  Not really looking forward to him flying through our house at 20 mph, but I'm sure it'll happen. 

Alright.  I hope you've enjoyed today's installment of NOPE.  Buenas noches! 

"Nothing is Ever Easy"

It's funny...this move has made me realize, more than ever, that problems or pet peeves or annoyances never go away, they just fall in line with your current situation.  Meaning...we still bicker and whine or get annoyed about things, but now instead of complaining about working 12-hour days, I whine when I can't find my flip flops, or when I accidentally leave a dirty dish on the counter and some ants find it....or that I have to get out of bed because the maid wants to clean our house.  (I know.  Someone smack me.)  Ty is no better...he whines when he has to get up to find a laptop charger, or when he has to put on a shirt to go into public, or complains when he gets mosquito bites even though he never wants to put on bug spray.  We've become super annoying humans. 

But at least we realize how ridiculous we sound when we complain about our life in paradise.  Every time we catch ourselves saying something we should be punched in the face for, we both bust up laughing and in unison say, "Nothing is ever easy."  It's turned into a sarcastic game around our house and we're always poking fun at each other.  Needless to say, life is good and we have absolutely no (legitimate) complaints about our new life south of the border.  We're very grateful to be here!

Let's see...what's new with us?   I was really hoping to post an obnoxious selfie today with the caption, "Guess who got their Temporary Resident cards today?!"  But nah.  After our second trip to the immigration office today in Nuevo to finalize our visas, they found a minor typo on our application and we have to fill it out all over again and go back again in the morning.  Argh.  ("Nothing is ever easy.")  

Here's an obnoxious selfie anyway....(when I asked Ty to take a picture with me, he asked, "Ugh.  Do I hafta put on shirt on?"  No lie.) 

Some tidbits about our 3rd week in Mexico:

• In case you were wondering, sugar is kept in the refrigeration section of the grocery store here and not in the "baking aisle" despite how many times you try to look for it there.  I guess it must melt or get sticky in the heat?
• I can join a gym (very similar to a 24-Hour Fitness back in the states) for 83 bucks for 12 months of unlimited use.  83 DOLLARS FOR A YEAR!?!  I couldn't even buy workout pants back home for 83 dollars.  
• We've been here for almost 3 weeks, and I have yet to drive anywhere.  Ty is making me drive to immigration tomorrow, so that should be fun/terrifying for both of us. 
• Ummmm, it's almost the rainy season here which apparently means creepy crawlers are starting to come out of hiding in search of shelter... My next post is gonna be about the cons of living in a semi-tropical climate.  For those of you who are sick of my annoying, braggy palm tree posts, you'll enjoy the terror I've experienced over the last week.  Stay tuned...
• We're learning more and more Spanish everyday, but it's slow-going and really frustrating at times... It took me about 45 minutes to translate an immigration form today into English and then translate my answers into Spanish...while I leisurely sipped locally-roasted coffee in my pajamas and gazed out over the ocean, mind you.  ("Nothing is ever easy.")
• I reeeeeally need to sit down and just memorize the friggen metric system already.  Just like not being able to speak the language, it's also embarrassing to not understand what the hell a kilo is, or what 400 grams would look like, or how many centimeters tall I am.  I mean...I could tell you how many feet long something is, or many pounds I think a bag of oranges weighs...but I just stare off into space when Ty tells me he bought a half a kilo of tuna at the market.  It could be five pounds, or it could be one.  I have no friggen clue.  (One kilo = 2.2 pounds, by the way.)  Also, any time I hear the word "kilo" I instantly think of cocaine for some reason... So, there's that.
• Much to our dismay, we haven't figured out how to watch Hulu here yet, or if it's gonna be possible.  Everything we read said we just needed a VPN, but we tried that and it still didn't work.  ("Nothing is ever easy.")  Any suggestions as to how to watch American TV shows in Mexico are welcome.  
• Pandora isn't available here either, which I already knew...but the Mexican equivalent, "Jango," kinda sucks a big....well, jango.  I've never even heard of half the artists on there and sometimes a cringe-worthy rap song will pop up on my Mumford & Sons station for some reason, and I spend more time giving the "thumbs down" than I do listening to music.  ("Nothing is ever easy.")

Okay, well...I think that's just about enough pointless blabbering for one afternoon.  I hope all three of you who read this are doing well!!  Ha.  Adios!